This Sunday is the granddaddy of em all for wrestling fans everywhere, but if you haven’t watched a minute of WWE for the past oh lets say 7 years, we got you covered as well. I managed to get my buddy Jay to take some time off his busy life *cough*Watching re-runs of 80’s Wrestling all day*cough* to write us a definitive Wrestlemania preview, and here it goes.
Hi everybody. My friend made a sports blog and he roped me into writing a WrestleMania preview/prediction type thing. So with that vague guideline, lets move on to my first attempt at the glorious step down in life that is: writing about wrestling on the internet.
Money In The Bank Ladder Match
This was pretty clearly going to Jeff Hardy until he was found shivering in a Raleigh alleyway, foaming at the mouth. I can see Hardy’s point in needing to be high to deal with the shit in WWE, so I guess the occasional suspension is gonna happen. Is that strike 2 of 3?
Kennedy has already said he’d cash it in at the end of the night, which could lead to the most replayed WM Moment ever: HHH standing tall over Kennedy, Cena and Orton, holding the title and the briefcase and doing his stupid smirk, after two gruelling main event victories.
Jericho seems like he could reap the rewards of Jeff’s love of ecstasy binges and pull out a win in the match that “he” “created.” Perhaps a MITB win, along with Jericho’s 900th IC title reign can be WWE’s apology to him for bringing him back just to get swept aside in the Great Jeff Hardy Push of Early ’08.
MVP seems like a solid possibility, but with the US title, and an impending feud with Matt Hardy, it seems like he doesn’t need the MITB win. Plus I just don’t see a briefcase fitting into his entrance well.
Punk would be my personal favourite, but judging by nearly every goddamn time he’s appeared on PPV, he won’t be winning. Also, a count out? Reeeal strong way to win your way onto the big show. But, once again, kinda par for the course.
Carlito, Shelton, and Morrison will likely all die for our amusement in various contrived ways to make up for the lack of the traditional “Jeff Hardy dives off sumthin’ REAL BIG” spot.
Ric Flair vs Shawn Michaels
Flair’s career on the line
This angle has gone about as good as it could go without turning Michaels heel. The whole “I respect you, but I don’t want to fight you. But I will fight you… wait I won’t. Now I love you, and I’m gonna shoot you behind the shed at WrestleMania” thing has been good enough, but a feud with a heel HBK would have been far more memorable. Although a truly heel Shawn Michaels can kind of overshadow a big angle, as Hulk Hogan can attest to.
Either way, HBK will put in his typically great WM performance and Flair will get his spots in. I just really hope they don’t centre this around either guy working the knee to win with their version of the figure four. Two old guys limping around a ring in sunny Florida will be way too reminiscent of old Nitro main events.
Whether Ric Flair “retires” or drags this whole act on for another few PPVs is the big question. The classy thing to do would be to let Ric go out at the biggest show of the year. So expect him to lose his last match quietly on an episode of ECW. To Viscera.
Big Show vs Floyd Mayweather
Wrestling/Boxing/MMA/Sumo Fight/???
Whatever kind of match this ends up being, my guess is not a good match. Just looking at Mayweather’s confusion as to whether he’s a face or heel, or tough or cowardly, or whether he will throw the money or just stroke the bills cockily leads me to believe he’s gonna fuck up somehow in some way at some point in time. A spot will go hilariously awry or something will be mistimed, but I’ve got a strong feeling this match is gonna join the ranks of Brock/Goldberg and “BENOIT WINS, BENOIT WINS!” on the WM blooper reel.
Ashley & Maria vs Beth Phoenix & Melina
BunnyMania Lumberjack Match
Master of Ceremonies: Snoop Dogg
Gotta put titties on the show. Legal wrestling PPV mandate.
However, this match could re-team the comedic duo of Santino Marella and Snoop Dogg, a matchup bigger than WM itself. They’re the original odd couple!
Finlay vs JBL
Belfast Brawl
This match can be great or suck or do whatever the hell it wants, as long as it means no more Vince/Hornswoggle interaction. For fake father and fake fake son, they had no chemistry with one another. It was like Hornswoggle sucked away what little enjoyment could be found in Vince’s character.
Oh yeah, a match. Meh, it’ll be a good, stiff brawl if nothing else, and Finlay rarely has a bad outing. Someone will bleed, Hornswoggle will do something wacky, and we’ll all die a little inside.
24 Man Battle Royale
Winner faces Chavo Guererro immediately for ECW title
Tremendous. Your winner and new ECW Champion, The Great Khali.
Batista vs Umaga
Smackdown vs Raw
I love the thinly veiled excuse for these guys to fight of brand warfare for a rivalry between two shows that nobody on either show cares about. Reasons aside, this could be a great power match. Or it could be slow, plodding, and shitty, like a good sum of Batista matches. Umaga always adds a good sense of violence to big matches though, so I have faith in this one. One thing is for sure, if the Smackdown v. Raw match is as good as the Smackdown v. Raw video game, then it will be not good.
Edge vs Undertaker
World Championship
It’s an Undertaker match at WrestleMania. If you can’t see how this is ending you either:
Have never seen another WM before.
or
Are Undertaker’s feud for next year’s WM and are contractually obligated to believe that he could lose.
Even with the predictable outcome, this match should be good as Taker puts in his bi-yearly good match and Edge continues to play the best heel WWE has to offer.
Randy Orton vs HHH vs John Cena
WWE Championship
It’s usually easy to pick a winner in a match where one of the names is Cena or HHH, but with both in the same match it’s a toss up. Usually you can just pull out the trusty CENA ALWAYS WINS, but that can be countered just as easily with HHH NEVER LOSES. Either way, Orton will be dropping the belt to go back to his simple life of wrecking hotel rooms and haggling for discounts at the mall.
This has been my WrestleMania prediction/preview/article thing. Now for the internet to tell me it sucks whether it does or not.
(photos courtesy of wwe.com)
such as Real Madrid and AC Milan, have been knocked out in the previous round. But don’t worry, 6 of the 8 teams remaining are massive clubs with loads of winning tradition as well.